In 1972 Doug Ogilvy (first American born in outer space) was convicted, along with O.J. Simpson, of smuggling moonshine across state lines. They were pardoned by then Tennessee governor Lee Majors after he lost a bet to see who could produce the world’s saddest shadow puppet show for under $50. It was Ogilvy who first taught O.J. how to get away with murder. Ogilvy now makes a living in South Carolina pirating satellite TV signals with Gary Busey.
Lots of church people are driving home around 2 pm on Sundays – wearing their nicest clothes. It’s 8:04 am Monday and Grandpa Mad Dog who sits caddy-corner from me is already growling. and again. and again. and even for a 4th time now… and it’s only now 8:06 am. AND AGAIN. still 8:06. I had a peanut butter sandwich for breakfast, which I never do. I am not hungry now, so I think it was a successful sandwich. I now feel uncomfortable clearing my own throat because I feel like I’m making fun of Rabid Papa Bear bulldog face. 8:09 with a growl and a cough.
More Mens Restroom Noise Description (brief)
First the guy in the last stall began sharpening a pencil by quickly scraping it at a 45 degree angle in the grout between two floor tiles. He quickly abandoned this project and instead cut a tennis ball in half and then began repeatedly cupping the open end of one side over his mouth while making a baboon face, thus producing the sound of about 20 Pringles cans being opened in a sequence.
So last night I had some strange dreams again. First of all, I dreamt that I went to have a friendly visit with my ex-girlfriend and some really little dude showed up after I got there. He was an adult but from a distance he looked about 10 because he was so small. He wasn’t a midget. It was somewhat clear that he was there with intentions of intimacy because of her reaction to me seeing him come in. I didn’t want to get all in her business so I was a little uncomfortable. I just wasn’t clear on why she wanted such a small man.
The second dream was more bizarre. Something happened to my eye and it came out. I was no where near as upset as someone should be if they are holding his or her own eye in hand and only casually trying to determine when a hospital visit should occur. This is extra strange for be because, if you know me at all, you know I don’t like for either one of my eyeballs to fall out. I was looking at it… and it looked like an eyeball. I was contemplating how urgently I would need to make my way to the emergency room and have it re-… attached, inserted, installed? I was only mildly concerned about it becoming unusable. Luckily when I woke up this turned out to be a dream. I have both eyeballs still – and I’m damn near 28 years old.